“She’s pretty but she’s got a fucked up first name”

I was dreading the day I had to work with a person who has a reputation for being rude and inappropriate. Ready to be in a battlefield, I wore a tough armour around my mind and went in to face anything and everything that’s going to be thrown at me.

When I met the infamous person, they stuck to their reputation. For each statement that comes out of their mouth, there will be at least five curse words in it. They asked me my name and when I told them, unsurprisingly enough, they said “let’s shorten that mf down.” I expected that very well and had a shortened name readily in hand and told them that.

The entire interaction with the person went better than I expected. They cracked a few jokes, told me about themselves, what and who annoys them, and mentioned that they have no filter. We went for a walk, and while introducing me to their friends, who we met along the way, they said, “She’s pretty, but she’s got a fucked up first name.” I burst into laughter, as I couldn’t agree more.

I understand how an instance like this can be seen as rude or even “racist.” But what we have to keep in mind is that brain injuries can significantly affect a person’s inhibitions. Deep inside, all of us are some kind of “ists” in our own ways. It’s our conscious choice not to let our weaknesses affect us or to control our tongues while talking to others. While the thoughts we speak out might be filtered out, our intrusive thoughts often yell loud in our heads in all their rawness. For people like the one I mentioned above, combined with their personality, they cannot and will not control what comes out of their mouth. This can often make others label them as “difficult.”

The golden rule that you have to follow then is the principle of “unconditional positive regard.” I was constantly reminded of this principle by my placement supervisor while we were working with people dealing with addictions. I realize now how she couldn’t be more right. While I was doing my bachelor’s in Psychology, my professor explained to us the concept of unconditional positive regard as simply as a “mother’s love.” That’s what it is: accepting people for who they are, validating their feelings and concerns, and, most importantly, being non-judgmental.

The people you are working with might get on your nerves, might be rude to you, or might even swear at you. If you are working as a mental health worker or as a social worker, you must be prepared for all of these. It’s all about meeting them where they are at and treating them the way they want to be treated. As my placement supervisor once told me, you cannot behave and talk the same way to each of your clients. You have to change yourself a little bit with respect to the person you are dealing with. It helps them see you not as an authority figure but as someone who they can trust.

In a society where individualism and integrity are considered the primary factors of a quality life, this statement might bring some frowns. However, being a mental health or social worker means separating you from yourself and being a worker whose only priority is their clients. The person who is swearing at you because they are hearing voices inside their head is not specifically swearing at you; they are swearing at the next person they can see. It’s their brain not being able to figure things out. The prime thing to focus on here is to not take anything personally. It is their condition that’s making them say the things they say and do the things they do. Keeping your personal values and beliefs aside and separating who you are in your personal life from your work self can not only benefit your clients, but you as well. It helps you maintain your inner peace and control your emotions. After all, if we cannot deal with our own emotions, how can we deal with the constantly fluctuating emotions of the people who we are working with? As the quote goes, “You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

~ Chintha

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